hacks.beer
the tab · about us

Running a tab on nonsense since this morning

hacks.beer started as a joke between two people who could not agree on what to order. One of them built a button. The button now runs the whole operation. We are very proud and slightly concerned.

The whole idea

Choosing a beer should feel like a tiny treat, not a spreadsheet. So we made two small machines. One pours you a random hack — a snack-sized piece of beer wisdom, some real, some gloriously made up. The other reads your mood and prescribes a style, then tells you exactly how to serve it like you've done this before.

That's the entire menu. No login, no newsletter, no "we value your privacy" pop-up that clearly values it less than we do. Just foam, opinions, and a button that's having the time of its life.

House rules

  • The best hack is the one you actually use.
  • Buy the first round. The universe remembers.
  • A warm beer is a problem you can solve. We have nine hacks for it.
  • One water per beer. This is the only serious sentence on the page.

The (entirely fictional) crew

“Tap” Tomlinson

Head of Pours

Can open a bottle with literally anything. We've stopped letting him near the silverware.

Marisol Vega

Chief Flavor Officer

Once described a pilsner as 'a sunrise that pays its taxes.' We hired her on the spot.

The Goblet

Brand Mascot

It's a glass. It doesn't talk. It has never once let us down.


Questions you didn't ask

Is any of this actually good advice?

Statistically, some of it has to be. We poured 30 hacks into a glass; a few are real bartender lore, a few are physics, and a few are just confident nonsense. Sorting them is part of the fun.

Do you sell beer?

No. We sell vibes, and the vibes are free, which makes us a terrible business and an excellent website.

Where does the data come from?

A small JavaScript file, a large amount of opinion, and exactly one argument about whether foam counts as 'real beer' (it does).

Will the picker ever tell me to drink water?

The picker believes in you too much to suggest that. But between us: drink the water too. Future-you sends regards.

Enough reading. Go press a button.